One Year Without Sleep

Today is the one-year anniversary of Russia’s brutal, unprovoked, full-scale invasion of Ukraine. To mark the occasion, Kyiv Post has collected 17 stories to try and convey the breadth and scale of the loss caused to Ukrainians caused by the Kremlin’s aggression.

The full-scale invasion unsettled all Ukrainian citizens. After all, not only the usual rhythm of life has been lost, but most importantly, confidence in the future.

Perhaps this is one of the most terrible states - a state of uncertainty. When you don't understand what will happen next with you and your family; when all your plans for the future are broken in an instant; and instead of dreams of studying, starting a family, building a career, traveling, and just a happy, safe life, there is fear, panic, confusion, and hatred. 

A state of neurosis has become an everyday part of my psyche. Because of a weakened psyche, it has become much more difficult to control emotions and thoughts, and in the first three months it was almost impossible to stay in control. Exhaustion of the nervous system began to manifest in terms of my physical health and, accordingly, appearance. But one of the main problems of this chain reaction was poor-quality sleep and lack of a daily routine. 

For the first two days of the full-scale invasion, I didn't sleep at all, didn't eat, and didn't even drink water. But I didn't feel it at all, my body was running on adrenaline. After all, I was forced to get from Kyiv to Odesa, where my parents live. The next month was the most difficult. I woke up several times in the middle of each night to check the news. If an air alert started, I monitored Telegram channels to see if missiles were flying to Odesa. I was constantly checking the news and my heart sank when I read about Kyiv. 

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Over time, these things became habitual. I noticed that I began to wake up at night, check the news and answer someone's message, but in the morning I didn't remember it. Sometimes, re-reading my sent messages, I couldn’t recall even writing about it and the sentences didn’t connect with one another.

In the second half of the summer, I more or less normalized my sleep schedule and episodes with waking up at night became infrequent. But since the fall, I began to suffer from insomnia. From October to December, I slept three to five hours, regardless of whether the day was active or not. In December, frequent nightmares and obsessive thoughts returned.

Sometimes it became difficult to wake up in my sleep, even when I realized that I was in a dream. Sometimes it has been difficult to wake up in the morning and just force myself to do something. 

At the end of January, cases of separation from reality became more frequent. Sometimes it felt like I was in a computer game. Other times, looking in the mirror, I didn't know who was staring back at me. I had constant obsessive thoughts and the feeling that someone was watching me.

In general, my behavior in everyday life was normal, so much so that no one could imagine what a strange state I found myself in every day. At the same time, I didn't seem to take the daily news to heart and it seems that the war has become something ordinary for me that I have accepted. 

However, at the same time, I understand that the war continues to affect me on a daily basis, although now much more on a subconscious level.